Rather than eating

The models are beautiful.

Thin hips standing out like ivory mountains Thigh gap, neck bones in full view

Perfect specimens of womanhood.

But it’s not beautiful when I try to look the same.

it’s not womanly when periods stop and chest looks like a teenage boys.

When I’m choosing if 30 minutes exercise

Is worth eating the apple for.

But it’s juicy and I haven’t swallowed anything in nearly 3 days.

I’m so weak.

Be beautiful not fat!

I know the calories in every.bit.of.food. Nothing beautiful about bleeding knuckles

Scarred with the toilet dashes after each meal

Aching muscles as there’s just nothing to fuel them

The blood as the razor writes fat on my stomach

And when someone says I look thinner

I know they mean large, ugly, lazy.

There’s nothing beautiful about wanting to die

Rather than eating.

I can’t say I love you….

I can’t say I love you

as how I feel about you is far beyond

Anything written about love

The feelings I have for you

Are unlike anything ever experienced By anyone before.

I would say you make my heart sing

But as you have my heart you

Can make it do anything you want.

I am like a music box ballerina

Just leaping whenever you

Give me some attention.

I would give you the world

but You are already the world to me.

Every star has no comparison to What I see in your eyes each

Time you smile and look at me

In the way only you can.

I give you not only my body

To do as you please because

I Would do anything to give you just

A moment of pleasure, but my mind

Which has only ever belonged to just me.

My body has been used

but my Mind secretly guarded

and I’m giving you the key.

I am naked before you in every way.

A fine line between happiness and hurt

So be careful not to put me

On the side to get dust.

For now I have given all I am to you

I can’t return to just being me.

Will I still have a place in your heart?

How long has it been since I saw you?

It feels like an eternity ago now

I was learning so much about your mind

But there’s so much I still want to know.

Do the things we said when together

Mean the same, are they still true?

Is the passion still there inside you?

Does it all mean the same to you?

Will each day bring us closer together

Or bit by bit will we drift all apart?When weeks become months will you need me?

Will I still have a place in your heart?

Miss you….

And what if I never

Get to touch you at all?

If we are always apart

Who’ll catch me when I fall?

Words are ok but

They don’t wipe away tears

And it’s easy to cry in the dark when

There’s no one around that hears.

If our last kiss was just that

And we haven’t hugged in so long

Will you miss my loving touch?

Or just forget me as a time gone?

Hope

the uncertainty lingers

Making these days feel more down than up

And what seemed like a few days

Turns into weeks

And this phase becomes normal

Filled with fog and no way out

Worry and loss of all kinds

And the longer it goes on

The more Hope seems to vanish

For so many, so many

But there is hope

A light shining through the mist

The small whisper saying‘I got this, don’t fear’

It’s still hard to see the end

It was never going to be easy

But the darkness always stops

To give way for light

That quiet voice, that hand of hope

The kind stranger with a smile

The food parcel from a neighbour The strength to smile another day

Hold on! you are strong

You are a child of the Risen King

He is alive!

Life is like Good Friday

What is Good Friday? For those that don’t know, and if you’re not Christian there’s no reason that you should unless you’ve heard or been told, this is the day that changed the world! Today Jesus gave his life so we could have a lifeline to God and spend eternity in heaven. To go further, it means that the one man in history who is sinless became sin so every time we do something wrong it is wiped clean and forgiven. There isn’t a sin in the world that isn’t forgiven. I tell my children though that doesn’t mean they can start doing whatever they like after I saw the excitment this conjured up!

So, if it resulted in the death (later resurrection but thats for easter Sunday!) of the greatest human that could ever live why on earth is the day called ‘good’? That’s a good question and has lots of different answers which is quite common in lots of the bible theories. Some say its ‘good’because Jesus saved us all. some say it comes from “Gods Friday” or that “good’ used ot mean “Holy’. Whatever the reason the meaning is the same.

And I often think that life can be like a ‘Good friday’ especially for many during times like we are facing right now. We have uncertainty, worry and a sense of loss of hope. We are losing loved ones, worried about others and not being able to see those we long to be with. For some they are with people that make their lives very difficult, children have been uprooted from everything they know and listen to adults worries makes them more insecure. People have lost jobs, businesses, homes, a sense of security. Parents have suddenly been catapulted into the roll of teacher, some for more than one child of different ages and abilities, trying to teach Special needs children who require much more time and equipment, trying to keep up with at least some of the constant work set with sometimes uncooperative children and at the same time expected to hold down a full time job at home. Or worried because they have no jobs and they don’t want to show their concerns in front of already bewildered children.

Everyone is just trying to get through each day the best they can.

Then there are people who face mental health issues and being isolated makes it all a hundred times worse. if people arent seeing them how can they notice if they really are ok when they say they are but they are’t sleeping and its taking all their effort to just. keep. going.  They can’t go to support groups or therapy sessions or to just get out to break they cycle of feeling so lost. 

There is no respite for carers, no respite for the abused, no respite for the child who has parents that drink and theres no food in the house. 

This is why life is like a “good Friday’.

But there is always hope. After Good Friday there came easter Sunday. A day of hope and resurrection where the world was saved. .

There is a light which will show after all this darkness. It may not feel like it now, and believe me I’ve been there but Jesus will Bring hope into your life. It may be all of a sudden or it may be gradually but it will happen. Sometimes we have to go through the darkest tunnel to find the way out. I don’t know why and it definitely isn’t fair but we can use it to help others going through the same.

Right now we are in Good friday but soon, very soon we will be celebrating Easter Sunday. Just hold on.

It’s not the end….

I know you feel alone

and as if you’re on your own

but your mind is telling you lies

you feel as if you need to die.

you feel that nobody cares

and there’s just nobody there

I can’t pretend to know you

but i’ve been there that much is true

the devil is whispering in your ear

At this moment he feels so near 

but reach out to god above

ask him to enfold you in his love.

I’ve felt the pain that you feel

I know the feelings are so real

how you’d be better off not here

how you can’t fight another year.

i wish I could be there thats true

to sit down and tell you I’m with you

This doesn’t have to be the end

I swear jesus can help you mend.

There’s nothing you’ve done that’s too bad

Just your love will make Him so glad

Please stop and think some more

Tell the devil to get out the door.

He’s telling you things that just aren’t true

So many people around care for you

It’s not time for you to part

Its not the end….Its just the start.

I’m Fine

How are you? You ask.
Just fine thanks.
What I really want to say is
I’m drowning and I can’t save myself
I’m tired all the time but I can’t sleep
I’m lonely but I don’t have the energy to talk
I hurt myself because I feel so numb
I have nothing to complain about
So why do I feel so down?
The days are going by but
I don’t know if I’ll make it
But I’ll paint a smile and say I’m fine.
How are you I ask?
Oh I’m fine you say…..

Learn?

When life returns to normal

What kind of life will we choose

Will we keep some things the same?

And what old ways will we lose?
Has this taught us what’s important?

Will we drop some things that we do?

Will we rush from meeting to phone call!

Or will people become more important to you?
Will we value those around us?

And enjoy each moment like it’s our last?Will we put loved ones before anything?

Or will we go back to our ways of the past?

Be perfect

This is a poem I wrote ages ago about how I felt at the time what it was like to be female. I’m going to put some of my poetry on here so I don’t lose it and in the hope that I may start writing again.

Be pretty, be smart
Not too smart though
Smile at all the guys
Stop smiling you look like a hoe
You look great but
Have you tried this diet pill?
Just lose a few more pounds
What’s wrong you look so Ill?
Beauty comes in all sizes
Why aren’t you a size ten?
It’s great that you’re so independent
But honey don’t you want to attract men?
Your lips are so pretty
Maybe a bit more pout?
Don’t flaunt your body but
get that cleavage out.
No always means no
But tell me this
What were you wearing
And your fault if you started the kiss.

You need to be thinner
You need to try more
Wear your clothes a bit tighter
But don’t get classed as a whore!
Buy this product
To clear up your skin
Go to the gym to get curves
But maybe you’d look better thin?
Don’t wear too much make up
But without you look rough
No matter how you try Princess
You’ll never be quite good enough.