Lockdown separation

I only just spoke to you

But already checking my phone

I just want to talk to you

As you always feel like home.

I miss the times just sitting by you

In silence or just small talk

Some of my favourite times

Are just the moments we walk.

I wonder what you’re doing now

Do you sometimes think of me too?

Do you miss the things we do

Do you need me like I need you?

At night when I can’t sleep

I smile at things you’ve said

I want to talk about you daily

You’re all that fills my head.

Each day without seeing you

Sends my heart such deep pain

I wonder do you long for me

Will you ever touch me once again?

What if you forget me?

Things that scare me.
Not very much scares me.

I get through life and I don’t worry much I’ve had to switch my emotions off

When it concerns me.

But You came along and opened my heart

My soul.

Open to bleed.

And now I have worries that keep me awake And play like a movie that’s stuck

What if I start to forget

The exact blue of your eyes?

And the sparkle in them when you laugh

I love to look in them

And see if you’re happy or sad

How my heart jumps when I look into them

Across a room of people.

What if I forget your laugh?

And how happy I get hearing it.

How I smile.

What if I forget how to make you laugh?What if I never hear it again?

What if I’m never there to make you happy?What if we don’t talk for a day

And then for two, three, four

Then a week

and then we stop even

Thinking about it.

What if I forget the exact smell of your skin

And how it tastes?

And how it feels

On my skin

What if I don’t remember how your hands

Feel when they explore

Every part of my body.

And the ecstasy I get from you.

What if I don’t recognise the sound of your voice

And how I love to listen to it

If I forget our conversations

And if we don’t have any more.

How your lips kiss mine

As if they’ve always known each other

What if you forget me?

What would I do without you?

How would I live?

These things scare me more than death.

Long distance

I am no good at long distance.

Never have been in any way

I need to see someone in flesh

In order for any interest to stay.
Oh I’ve tried it before

And it starts off so good

The excitement is there

And all goes along as it should
Then little by little of them

My mind stops thinking

Then the chats get much less

And the relationships sinking.
But with you it’s so strange

It all seems so new

The loves getting stronger

I never stop thinking of you.
My love is deeper

Than it was at the start

I wonder if this means

You’re supposed to have my heart.

Not mine…

I cannot take you to parties

Or take you to meet my family

I can’t talk about you to anyone

or tell them I’m proud you are mine.

I can’t wake up with you each morning

Or lie down in your arms as you go to sleep

I’m alone in my bed because you’re not mine.

I love to hold your hand but when out

We have to keep distance as friends do

The smile I give you is friendly

In my head replays the passion we have.

Everyone knows that I’m single because in theory I am

I can’t belong to you and you’re not

Allowed to be mine.

We keep each other a secret

And the thoughts we have are just ours

I have no right to your time or emotions

I have no rights at all

You will always belong to another

And I know you will never really be mine.

Rather than eating

The models are beautiful.

Thin hips standing out like ivory mountains Thigh gap, neck bones in full view

Perfect specimens of womanhood.

But it’s not beautiful when I try to look the same.

it’s not womanly when periods stop and chest looks like a teenage boys.

When I’m choosing if 30 minutes exercise

Is worth eating the apple for.

But it’s juicy and I haven’t swallowed anything in nearly 3 days.

I’m so weak.

Be beautiful not fat!

I know the calories in every.bit.of.food. Nothing beautiful about bleeding knuckles

Scarred with the toilet dashes after each meal

Aching muscles as there’s just nothing to fuel them

The blood as the razor writes fat on my stomach

And when someone says I look thinner

I know they mean large, ugly, lazy.

There’s nothing beautiful about wanting to die

Rather than eating.

I can’t say I love you….

I can’t say I love you

as how I feel about you is far beyond

Anything written about love

The feelings I have for you

Are unlike anything ever experienced By anyone before.

I would say you make my heart sing

But as you have my heart you

Can make it do anything you want.

I am like a music box ballerina

Just leaping whenever you

Give me some attention.

I would give you the world

but You are already the world to me.

Every star has no comparison to What I see in your eyes each

Time you smile and look at me

In the way only you can.

I give you not only my body

To do as you please because

I Would do anything to give you just

A moment of pleasure, but my mind

Which has only ever belonged to just me.

My body has been used

but my Mind secretly guarded

and I’m giving you the key.

I am naked before you in every way.

A fine line between happiness and hurt

So be careful not to put me

On the side to get dust.

For now I have given all I am to you

I can’t return to just being me.

Will I still have a place in your heart?

How long has it been since I saw you?

It feels like an eternity ago now

I was learning so much about your mind

But there’s so much I still want to know.

Do the things we said when together

Mean the same, are they still true?

Is the passion still there inside you?

Does it all mean the same to you?

Will each day bring us closer together

Or bit by bit will we drift all apart?When weeks become months will you need me?

Will I still have a place in your heart?

Miss you….

And what if I never

Get to touch you at all?

If we are always apart

Who’ll catch me when I fall?

Words are ok but

They don’t wipe away tears

And it’s easy to cry in the dark when

There’s no one around that hears.

If our last kiss was just that

And we haven’t hugged in so long

Will you miss my loving touch?

Or just forget me as a time gone?

Hope

the uncertainty lingers

Making these days feel more down than up

And what seemed like a few days

Turns into weeks

And this phase becomes normal

Filled with fog and no way out

Worry and loss of all kinds

And the longer it goes on

The more Hope seems to vanish

For so many, so many

But there is hope

A light shining through the mist

The small whisper saying‘I got this, don’t fear’

It’s still hard to see the end

It was never going to be easy

But the darkness always stops

To give way for light

That quiet voice, that hand of hope

The kind stranger with a smile

The food parcel from a neighbour The strength to smile another day

Hold on! you are strong

You are a child of the Risen King

He is alive!

Life is like Good Friday

What is Good Friday? For those that don’t know, and if you’re not Christian there’s no reason that you should unless you’ve heard or been told, this is the day that changed the world! Today Jesus gave his life so we could have a lifeline to God and spend eternity in heaven. To go further, it means that the one man in history who is sinless became sin so every time we do something wrong it is wiped clean and forgiven. There isn’t a sin in the world that isn’t forgiven. I tell my children though that doesn’t mean they can start doing whatever they like after I saw the excitment this conjured up!

So, if it resulted in the death (later resurrection but thats for easter Sunday!) of the greatest human that could ever live why on earth is the day called ‘good’? That’s a good question and has lots of different answers which is quite common in lots of the bible theories. Some say its ‘good’because Jesus saved us all. some say it comes from “Gods Friday” or that “good’ used ot mean “Holy’. Whatever the reason the meaning is the same.

And I often think that life can be like a ‘Good friday’ especially for many during times like we are facing right now. We have uncertainty, worry and a sense of loss of hope. We are losing loved ones, worried about others and not being able to see those we long to be with. For some they are with people that make their lives very difficult, children have been uprooted from everything they know and listen to adults worries makes them more insecure. People have lost jobs, businesses, homes, a sense of security. Parents have suddenly been catapulted into the roll of teacher, some for more than one child of different ages and abilities, trying to teach Special needs children who require much more time and equipment, trying to keep up with at least some of the constant work set with sometimes uncooperative children and at the same time expected to hold down a full time job at home. Or worried because they have no jobs and they don’t want to show their concerns in front of already bewildered children.

Everyone is just trying to get through each day the best they can.

Then there are people who face mental health issues and being isolated makes it all a hundred times worse. if people arent seeing them how can they notice if they really are ok when they say they are but they are’t sleeping and its taking all their effort to just. keep. going.  They can’t go to support groups or therapy sessions or to just get out to break they cycle of feeling so lost. 

There is no respite for carers, no respite for the abused, no respite for the child who has parents that drink and theres no food in the house. 

This is why life is like a “good Friday’.

But there is always hope. After Good Friday there came easter Sunday. A day of hope and resurrection where the world was saved. .

There is a light which will show after all this darkness. It may not feel like it now, and believe me I’ve been there but Jesus will Bring hope into your life. It may be all of a sudden or it may be gradually but it will happen. Sometimes we have to go through the darkest tunnel to find the way out. I don’t know why and it definitely isn’t fair but we can use it to help others going through the same.

Right now we are in Good friday but soon, very soon we will be celebrating Easter Sunday. Just hold on.