Mid-life Celebration

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I think that I may officially be a grown-up now!!!

A few weeks ago I turned 40! The day was lovely, I met up with my friends from Art Club in the morning and got cards, gifts and lovely biscuits and then met up with my Mum, Sister and family and some more friends in the afternoon and again was showered with cards and gifts! I thought how lucky I am! The evening my ex came out who I am still very good friends with and he brought me a selection of thoughtful and funny gifts and my children all made me things and put together a party tea for me. It was a lovely day and I smiled as I went to bed at how I enjoyed it and thought that was the end of it.

I was wrong!!

On the Saturday I thought I was going to the Village social which is held monthly and I walked in quite happily , only to be met with a chorus of Happy birthday and it was full of people I knew! My wonderful family had managed to put together a surprise party for me! I was overwhelmed mainly because of the amount of people that turned up and it really made me realise how lucky I am to live in this village. I may not get along with everyone but these people make life memorable and this is the sign I needed to show we are still living in the right place after months of confusing thoughts about whether it is time for us to leave.


I was also so glad that I wasn’t walking into the place complaining or almost collapsing as quite often happens when i have to walk up the long hill!!

I had the most wonderful night and was quite exhausted by 10 o clock! I smiled as i thought to myself if this were 20 years ago, I wouldn’t have even been going out until about 10 o clock! I have enjoyed my days of partying but I very much like who I am now. I am much more at peace with myself, more content as I know what I want and I know myself more.

And as I looked around the room I made a vow to really count my blessings more than my complaints!

 

 

 

 

 

Autistic folk are…?

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My eldest daughter  is nearly 16 years old and she has Autism. The progress in awareness in just that short time has been fantastic, most people know about Autism now. The understanding has made life so much easier and many people are aware of the characteristics that accompany many people with Autism.

I was surprised then of the amount of people that assume all people with Autism are the same in their personalities and actions. And that’s not a moan so please don’t think that, I wouldn’t expect people to know everything especially if Autism isn’t in their life. And there would be many Conditions that I would need someone to explain to me about. But just from my experience, I would like to share how different the individuals are and some of the myths that there are about autism.  My children are as different as night and day at times, but also similar in ways too.  any of what I say in my blog about Autism is really just personal to us and I know that many of you will know someone with different traits so please don’t think I am ever referring to everyone!

No Eye Contact

Whilst this is true for many people with Autism (and people without too!) it is certainly not true for a lot! My eldest daughter has fabulous eye contact with many people. There are times when she will not make eye contact, if she is worried, embarrassed and most negative feelings but generally if she is happy and is engaged, she has great eye contact! Jessie also makes eye contact. I will admit that she doesn’t make it so often but defiantly with people she knows very well she makes eye contact a lot of the time. Having said that. there are only a very few amount of people that she does recognise or knows well so I think that is why a lot of people tell me that she doesn’t look at them. She does always listen though so I tell people that just because she isn’t looking at you it doesn’t mean that she isn’t listening! On the other hand, there are times when all of my children will be looking at me and clearly thinking of something very different than what I am saying!!


No Empathy

 

Again this is only the experience I have had but Jessie has more empathy than nearly anyone that I know. One great thing is she doesn’t assume she knows how someone else is feeling, she will likely ask them! Which is fantastic, how often do we just assume someone is feeling a certain way because that is the way we would feel! She sponcers a tiger from WWF and has such a deep love for animals, almost to the point where I wonder if she can actually talk to them!

She also sends some of her money to sponser children so they can go to school and have a meal. It breaks her heart to think of children suffering in any way and sent both her toys to the food bank for children who didn’t have any, and cut her hair off for children who needed wigs.

I do know for my girls though that if someone doesnt tell them they are feeling sad or similar they may not pick it up as they don’t really get unspoken emotions. They couldn’t tell by body language how someone was feeling.

 

People with Autism don’t feel emotions

A little similar to the empathy one but I have had people say to me that my daughter cannot have Autism as she laughs a lot!!! People with Autism do have emotions, it is just harder for a lot of them to express it in the way that many neurotypical people can.


Rainman

I wish I had a pound for everytime someone has asked me if my girls have special talents like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman.

No.

It is very rare for a person to actually have the ability to do things like that and probably just as likely for a neurotypical person to have them.

 

People with Autism are not sociable and don’t want friends.

This is definatly not true for us. Most of the people I know with Autism love their friends and if they don’t have friends would love to but they find it hard to actually communicate this or know how to build friendships. They may struggle with social skills making interaction hard and may say inappropriate things.

The amount of times that I have had someone say that my eldest daughter cannot have Autism because she loves being around people is crazy!!! Her social difficulties come in the form of the fact she is overly social and doesn’t know when to stop talking! She may stand too close, interrupt people, join in conversations that aren’t for her or say inappropriate things that she absolutely doesn’t mean to cause offence with.

Jessie is much more happy with her own company and doesn’t crave the social interaction that Lititia does but she too enjoys a small group of friends. She finds social situations much more difficult though and it is really hard work for her daily to be in them.

autism has a “look”..

“But she doesn’t look Autistic”. People have actually said this. I am intrigued to actually know what someone with Autism is supposed to look like. It is a Neurological condition so i am convinced this does not make someone “look” a certain way. If I find out though I will do an updated blog!!!!!!


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Waiting for a sign!

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One thing we really love about any of the school holidays is that we go and stay with my parents for a few days. We, of course, just love to see them but we love the novelty of having so many things easily available to us. We have so much fun and enjoy every moment of being there.

But we always look forward to coming home. I dont mean we like to leave Mum and Dad as we certainly don’t, but we do yearn for the quietness of our village, the familiarity and close knit feel of it and of course, the beach.  We almost breathe a sigh of relief at being back to where we belong.

Something, this time was different. We wanted to stay more days, weeks even! We had so much going on and so much left to do that we weren’t packing happily and waiting to breathe in the familiar air of home. There was always someone to visit or somewhere to go and having Mum and Dad right there was priceless.  In September two of my children will be at school there but my youngest does enjoy his primary school which I would then have to get him to myself. My son had a swimming lesson which we could just walk to, we could hop on a bus and go miles and we had lots of opportunities to mix with other Christians. Now, I am just as happy to mix with anyone of any Faith  or belief but as new Christians we are hungry to learn! There are lots of Churches and more importantly lots of meetings, events and just things going on to include us. The overwhelming feelings I keep having cant be ignored about moving to a new place.

We have been very happy here and my children love it! The freedom they have to play is so important to them. I know that there are people looking out for them and always a house they could go to if they needed to, if I was late getting their school bus for example. We know everyone and everyone knows us which has so many blessings, and a few negative ones!! I have some lovely friends and things that I am involved in here like Art Club, Committees, Church and writing for the magazine,  plus some things that are planned for the next few months but I’m not sure if the excitement of it all has dwindled.

On the other hand, even though there are so many exciting  opportunities where my parents live, its much busier and we just love the quiet of village life!  There are some days when I think it would be nice to live in a place where we could walk by people who didn’t know us and because there are so many people, we wouldn’t have to try and get along with difficult people and big matters here would seem less important there. I just wonder if we might get lonely at times not having people wonder if we are ok if they dont see us that day. And if we did move and decided we had made a mistake we wouldn’t be able to come back as there are no houses available here.

So, we are at a crossroads and I need a sign to tell me what I am supposed to do as at the end of the day it will be up to me what we do, and of course I would be blamed if it made us unhappy!  I guess I need to be patient and see what unfolds and hope I make the right choice!

 

 

 

 

Journey

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I was at my very good friends house last week with a group of others and we were talking about ourselves and the season we were eac hin and how we got to this stage in our journey of faith. As i told my story (  not that I really have one especially compared with the others and their divine moments!, mine seems rather boring!) my friend said ” I have definetly seen a change in you since I first met you”

That really meant a lot to me, assuming of course that she meant a good change or that may have been a little awkward after I was saying thank you! It meant a lot as this lady is my Reverend but more importantly she is my good friend whos opinion really matters to me.

Do I feel as if I have changed? I do. I dont mean this to be arrogant at all but I feel I am becoming a better person. my main change is how I feel inside. I feel peace most of the time. Of course I worry still but i feel God has my life worked out for the best so I feel content. Its a nice ffeling to have and I hope everyone finds it, whether they believe in God or another Religion or something entirely different.

 

Since my last post Ive been enjoying life, of course with the kids but Ill talk about our stuff in another post, but personally Ive been trying new things and meeting new people which ive found daunting after 15 years of having a child with me to break the ice! But its been great and Ive made new friends.  It started with mine and Lititias Confirmation which was a really magical day, made better because some lovely people from our Church came to support us. It felt peaceful when I was touched by the Bishop and warm. It was also very special as our 3 reverends that helped us through the Confirmation classes chose to sit with us. It was just sad that our classes were over as we formed a special bond but I got invited to a Bible Study group with my 2 great friends and Ive met some more lovely people who I wouldnt have ever had the chance to meet had it not been for me accepting Jesus into my life. and one lady who is just amazing with all she has been through said she would like to meet for coffee when our classes had finished which made me happy all week! Someone actually wants to spend time with me haha

I got invited to a lovely Candlelit service with some people frim Church and we had a meal after. I felt like I was glowing to be asked to be part of such a wonderful group of people.  People that like me for me, its quite hard to get used to!

I feel like for the first time in my life I’m not searching anymore. I have ideas of how I would like my life to go, I feel a calling which I won’t talk about now but I am being tutored by a great man ( that sounds a little weird when I read it back😀) and I’m excited to see what my path will take. 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bread and Wine

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It’s not very often that I go out without all of my children in the evenings but for the last few months for around 3 hours, Lititia and I have been going out! And after the first handful of times the other kiddies were used to it and hardly complained. Of course if there weren’t a few grumbles I would probably call the doctor and feel a little put out that they didn’t mind my absence ☺️

So, what have we been doing with our freedom? Well, we have been going to Confirmation class! Since Jayden started school and I’ve been feeling so lonely, I’ve discovered my journey of Faith. I haven’t any astounding story or moment of when God entered my life but I think with my mind and time not preoccupied and at a time when I needed someone, this was when I was open to start my journey. My family,  who aren’t huge believers have been so supportive and have been so encouraging I’ll be forever grateful as its not easy telling people you have accepted God into your life at 39 especially when I’ve been openly against religion and some people have been negative but that’s ok and I respect their opinions. 

All my life I have never known what I have wanted to do with it. I love being a Mum but as a person there has been nothing that has really interested or inspired me but now I feel this is my path. I’m not sure in what direction it will go but I feel a sense of peace that I’m on the right road. I have also met many lovely people and made new friendships and discovered things about myself. I am also trying to be a better person in how I act and what I say and wanting to help people and any journey that encourages that must be positive surely!

Sadly, this last Thursday was our last class and I’m really sad about that. I’ve enjoyed learning and especially enjoyed spending time with some wonderful people. So why are we not going anymore?

Tomorrow (actually today!) Lititia and I will be getting Confirmed. Sadly it’s not in our own church but several people from our church are coming to support us which means so much. The people we are going with are so understanding of Lititia finding new places hard that they suggested we go early so she could get used to the church before anyone arrives. What’s wonderful support system we have. 

Our vicars have even asked to sit with us so she has familiar faces with her. 

I am nervous but very excited to see What this new chapter of my Journey will bring.

Where have those 15 years gone?

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September 25 2001, my life changed forever.I met the most amazing, unique girl who Im proud to call my daughter. And it brought a lump to my throat last Sunday when I looked at the young lady she had become, patiently allowing her little brother to “help” her open her birthday cards!

Its been a journey thats for certain! Lititia developed just the same as any other child until she was around 20 months old and then she almost overnight went back to baby stage. I had no experience with children so didnt really think much of it until the health visitor sent us to a paediatrician after Lititias 2 year check up where she screamed and tried to climb up the wall and wouldnt cooperate at all. I knew it was because she didnt understand what was happening and she didnt like the door being closed.

Then a process of evaluations, observations, more professionals than I can remember and keeping diaries of her daily behaviour. They told me it wasnt typical behaviour to want to do everything exactly the same and have everything in the same place, it wasnt “normal” to have no speech or understanding at her age, to scream at noises or smells or lights, and to have the biggest meltdowns imaginable! Thats where I first heard the word Autism and I had absolutly no idea about it other than the film “Rainman”! But we learnt together and life was often challenging and I became very isolated and lost friends but we learnt ways to make our liffe easier…travelling to Exeter listening to one song of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers for example, there and back!!! there is so much I could say about life then but it doesnt really benefit to dwell on negative although ofcourse there were many positives but the point of this post is to fast forward past the numerous years of toilet training, the endless hours trying to search for clothes she may wear, eating waffles for years and only drinking first milk and then blackcurrant, and again Im going on, the point is to celebrate an amazingly Unique 15 year old young lady. she has been at her Special Needs school for 11 years and is doing so well she is even looking towards exams and a catering course! She attends a youth club for special needs children every fortnight where she helps out with making meals and baking. she loves the village we live in and is a big part of the church community where she has made friends. She sets everything up for the services and bakes buns for everyone for afterwards and gives out the hymn books. She is also part of the Flower team and for the first time 3 weeks ago walked to the church herself and help set the flowers up for the Harvest Festival. She has just gotten Baptised, her choice and is only a few days away from being confirmed! Ill put photos of the baptism up in a seperate post.

We face challenges still, daily. We havent slpet a whole night in 15 years! But for anyone with a 2 year old thinking life will never get easier and not knowing how you will get through tomorrow, there is hope. and whilst I still cant go out with friends because my girls wont be left without me, there are a lot more days of smiling then frustration these days. And it will be like that for you soon too.

Missing out!

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I have lots of drafts that I have started and then either decided not to post as it just doesnt sound right or ones that arent good enough or ones that I just havent finished and I think in the day sometimes about brilliant things I could write.

Then I realised yesterday that the point of me starting this blog was to capture the moments with my children and whilst I have been thinking of these amazing subjects to write about, I have actually been missing out on the most amazing thing, capturing memories of our lives.

So Im going to blog more often and most of it will probably be pretty boring should anyone ever read it but when I look back after time I will be so glad that I forgot about waiting for inspiration to find me and that I wrote about what really matters to me, my time with my kiddies and our everyday lives.

Not all natural Mothers

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Lititia was the cutest baby being born at 5 lbs 9 and after threatening to arrive at 30 weeks, she managed to stay in there until 37! I was frightened by how much love I felt for her and often didnt know how to handle that level of emotion! The first few months of her life, maybe even the first year I just kept expecting someone to come along and say “sorry, we made a mistake actually. This baby is for someone who actually knows what they are doing!!! ”

I never thought about having children when I was small and even know still find it sometimes strange having 4 people call me Mum. When i first fell pregnant I must admit I didnt really read any books and didnt tell anyone until after my 20 + week scan! It was almost unbelievable that an actual person could be inside of me! Even during labour ( which when I had horrid pains I thought I had food poisoning, I still never thought it could be labour!) I thought they would probably just find i had wind or something to make my belly swell. Which actually didnt swell much at all as I was still wearing my size 8s. One leg wouldnt fit that now!!! But im getting off track. I had no morning sickness, didnt feel kicking until nearing 30 weeks and really had nothing to feel pregnant about.

So when she finally came out, which was a very quick but traumatic birth which I didnt realise at the time as I had no interest in hearing womans birth stories, I expected to be an instant Mum just like all the other Mums Id seen at hospital visits or in town.

I wasnt.

I had no idea what to do! I was “encouraged” to breastfeed even though I didnt want to. I know its best etc….. but for me it wasnt something wanted to do. I couldnt feed her in front of anyone at all and remember crying ina toilet in Plymouth trying to feed her sat on the loo and experiencing lots of pain as Id gotten mastitis too. I had to stay in for a few days as I was hopeless at it! and then i didnt know how to even put a nappy on! Im not kidding, i didnt even know how to open it!

Then she cried and i was looking for someone to pick her up or do something. then I realised that person was me! Its a shame i didnt realise I had to hold her head!!! Luckily I realised in time. It may sound like I might have been a Mum who was so overwhelmed I felt detached, quite the opposite. I felt so much for her and such intense emotion I had no idea how to handle it most of the time! I didnt want to tell anyone as I just assumed they would think I would know how to be a Mum. I didnt sleep for the first year (and we still dont but thats another post!!) for fear something would happen to her ( i had no idea about cot death until the midwife gave me a leaflet and then I watched every second!).

Of course if anyone would have asked if I were okay, I would have said yes anyway as i wanted to be a good Mum. After all Id given birth so of course now I was a Mum, I should just know how to be one. I didnt. i am not a natural Mum and I have to work at it every day. My children are my whole life. Literally. I do everything with them and never go on a night out. I still want to be a Mum they can be proud of. Now Lititia is nearly 15 next week and we have survived, grown together and I wouldnt have changed it for anything! I love being her Mum but I wish someone had told me that it is perfectly okay to not have motherhood come naturally. To not know if babies drink water or what they eat when they wean or that they cant sit up at a few weeks!! we as Mums need to know its also okay to not bond instantly and feel that instant love and it is also okay to feel overwhelming love and it is okay to ask for help and advice. Its also okay to not breastfeed and to say you dont want to, I bottlefed 3 of my children and Lititia after I felt able to say I wanted to with the help of a lovely midwife, and I am as close to all of them exactly the same and the same as mums who did breastfeed and although the health factors are of course there, a happy Mum is a happy baby.

It is perfectly fine to not have a clue and not to feel we are a disappointment or a failure!

Sticks and stones….

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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

 

I think we have all heard that saying in some form or another in our lives.  The thing is over the years Ive realised that it is just not true! In fact, mean words can hurt us more and for longer than if someone had physically harmed us.

How many times do we say something to someone and then follow it with ” Im only joking”. It doesnt feel like a joke to whoever we say it to.Just one sentance can change a persons life forever. i know a girl well that was told she was fat as a teenager and years of anorexia and bullimia followed. Im sure the person that said it to her never even gave it another thought after saying it and yet if affected the girls life for years.

 

Just this week I have heard some awful things that have been said to an Autistic boy whilst we were on holiday. It shocked me more that the parents of the group of children (yes there were 5 children calling this boy names) did nothing. Do they not think this young man has feelings? It hurt me so much that I had to say something. Of course I would have said something if the boy had Autism or not but having children with Autism it really hit home.

 

Words we say to children can have such a huge impact on them. In our house we have banned words like “stupid” “dumb” “thick” and anything along those lines. I am so careful what I say to my kiddies espeially if im cross, words a parent might say to a child can scar them and make them feel worthless.

 

There is no way to take back a word once its said.

 

I have been guilty to say things before i think and give my opinion far too quickly so Im really really trying to think everything through before i say it. I think whether what im about to say is actually really needed or helpful or whether it is better to just be kept to myself!

 

i have also found this fantastic group which Im sure a lot will already know about called “Operation Beautiful”. Basically you write encouraging words on sticky notes and put it for people to see. So a toilet door, inside a library book, a bus seat…you get the point. What a nice way to cheer up someone who might be having a bad day.

 

and wouldnt life be so much nicer for everyone if we just stopped using cruel words as if they were our fists.

 

 

Starting again?

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I have found it really hard since my youngest started school.

 

Of course when my other 3 lovelies started school it was hard as well. Lititia was my first at school and it had been a rollercoaster 4 years! If I spoke about it all and the stuff we went through in the younger years, Im not sure if people who know us now but didn’t then would even believe it. She saved my life and put me on a good path however.

Jessie was too tiny to go to school!! Now she is a tall 11 year old but then she was tiny and went to school in what I call a baby car seat. I would have been more worried if she wasn’t going to a specialised school as she had no communication amongst lots of other things.

 

Charlie and I had spent every day together, all day. And we didn’t know many people so we had great fun by ourselves. We had real conversations and Charlie hated pre school so we were happy with our days together and didn’t feel like we needed anyone whilst the girls were at school.

 

But with Jayden going, its the end of a huge chunk of my life! I have no children with me all day and nearly a year later Im still not getting used to it! I have stuff to fill my days so its not that Im bored (although im sure a lot of people think I just watch tv all day!! ) I hate it because I miss them and I don’t feel like me anymore!  I have also been thinking about a lot of major things.  I am not sure if we need to move so I can make friends and find a job I love. Don’t get me wrong there are many people here who are kind and friendly and I have made some great friendships but everyone has their own lives and now I don’t have a little one I see less people with children as I don’t have anyone to bring to play! I guess its just natural that those friendships will become less, I think we are sent some people at certain times in our lives at the times when we need them.

 

And there have been some good changes for me. I  started going to church and whilst I love the people and learning, the most important change has been in myself because of it. I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to think before I give my opinions and really think if what I am saying is helpful and productive. I have made friends with people who I never had the chance to get to know before mainly as their children are grown so we never really crossed paths that much. And I get to help out with reading and various at the school which I absolutely love and never had the chance to before.

 

But now I found that I don’t really know much about myself at all!!! I don’t know what kind of job I would have done if I hadn’t have had children. I have no idea really what Im good at or what interests me!!

 

I am not sure if I feel like this because I am getting close to 40 and my child bearing days are nearly over, whether its where we live, whether its because I didn’t have a career before having children and I don’t have any idea at all what job I would love to do although working at the school interests me but that could be because I can do it whenever it suits me 🙂  Or whether its because I try and be happy at home as it worries my children if I am anxious in any way so this is my place to be a drama queen! 🙂 Whatever it is though I feel very proud of the independence of my children and especially how far jayden has become less clingy this year, but I also feel quite redundant and quite lonely which is odd in itself as I actually really enjoy my own company.

 

I guess this post is pretty pointless haha but we all have permission to be dramatic sometimes! 🙂