The real me

Now you know the real me
I don’t doubt you want it to end.
I’m not pretty enough
My scars are too deep
I’m not fun to be around
My heart only now weeps.
I’m not good enough
I’m too far gone
Just to feel wanted
Is what Id really for long.
My body’s too ugly
My mind too confused
You’re so gentle to me for
I’ve too much been abused.
I know you don’t want me
I don’t blame you at all
I’ve been hurt so many times
I’ve left up a wall.
I’m worthless and ruined
You’re too good for such as me
You can turn away and leave
Alone is all I deserve to be.

When you touch me…..

When you touch me I don’t flinch
Not with you.
I know you only have tender fingers
You don’t leave me black and blue.
Your words are soft to my heart
Like warm days and sunsets and
Everything soft. Not like the jagged glass
I’m used to of cruel insults and harshness
that cut deep and forever last.
You do everything to raise me up like
I’m worth something and sometimes…
sometimes I believe it …
Until the past that lowered me pushes in my
mind like stuck in grit
after a cut. My cuts you try and heal..
the ones deep inside that never really closed
and were all I’d feel…
But sometimes you slowly form scars
Over the wounds and you lift
off the bars
that cover my feelings. I’m not scared with you.
I’m not scared to be naked in body or mind.
I know the only things you do to me
Are coming from your heart that’s kind .

Wishes

Hold me in your arms
And tell me we belong
Be mine for one last time
Before our dream has gone.

Make my heart seem whole
And bring me peace again inside
Let our love be open
Before my feelings have to hide

Tell me I am yours
Even if only for this small while
Think of noone else
And give me one more time to smile.

Touch me hold me love me
Let us join once more together
If only for this moment let me
Feel you’re mine forever.

Losing You

The pain of the thought of losing you

Is so intense

I think the real pain will be too much.

It will be like sitting in a black hole with no way out and getting in there

was not a choice.

There will be no point to anything.

To waking, to breathing, to sleeping

Actually No.

Sleep will be welcome

with dreams of you still being there

Its the waking that I would hate.

When the reality will hit with a force that will take away every breath.

What will be the point in the sun when you have become the light of my life?

Why would the moon be there when theres only me to see it?

What would laughter be without you to make it?

What would be the point in me anymore when

My best piece isnt there?

I will wish I had listened more, hugged longer and made every minute a memory.

The hole will make me fall without an end,

how will I get out

when its always been you thats

shown me the way?

No words


We say so much without a word

Sitting next to each other

The silence is comforting when there’s no need to talk

I’ve never had this with another.

I look at you across the room

And you know what’s deep in my heart

You know all that I’m trying to say

When I can’t find the words to even start. 

The feel of your hand makes me safe

Your eyes make me feel all is fine

I feel that life is finally great

Each time that your lips reach for mine

The last 7 months

A time to rely completely on God

As all the world became as one

Money or status really didn’t matter

As everyone saw a new way had begun.

We couldn’t see family or friends

Human contact became a huge no

Possessions meant not a thing anymore

When we realised people were what fed our soul.

Loneliness made life so bleak

For so many people on their own

But suddenly letters and messages were sent

As neighbours made sure others weren’t alone.

Schools were shut and shops closed

Parents juggled so much

We didn’t need the things of before

We just longed for human touch

So will we change our ways now

Or will we go back as before

Will we continue to rely on God

And love our neighbour evermore?

Second Place

I made you the centre of my world

And I’m so annoyed at myself

I put everything else around you

And I was left waiting on the shelf.

I was never quite enough for you

Always in reserve

Because I was so stupid to adore you

I got exactly what I deserve.

I should wait for someone else

Who will treat me like a Queen

But I know no one else to me

Will mean as much as you mean.

Loving you…

Loving you is like

Jumping from a rocket

On its way to an unknown destination.

It’s thrilling, scary and maybe

Not so planned out.

It’s the first time I’ve done it

And the last time I will

This is my final journey of love

I wouldn’t survive if this ends

To take another shuttle.

I wonder if the parachute

Will come open or if

I’ll just fall to the ground.

Thrilling nonetheless on the way.

Scare me


Not very much scares me.

I get through life and I don’t worry much

I’ve had to switch my emotions off

When it concerns me.

But you came along and opened my heart

My soul. Open to bleed.

And now I have worries that keep me awake

And play like a movie that’s stuck What if I start to forget

The exact blue of your eyes?

And the sparkle in them when you laugh

How I love to look in them

And see if you’re happy or sad

How my heart jumps when I look into them

Across a room of people.

What if I forget your laugh?

And how happy I get when hearing it.

What if I forget how to make you laugh?

What if I never hear it again?

What if I’m never there to make you happy?

What if we don’t talk for a day

And then for two, three, four

Then a week and then we stop even Thinking about it.

What if I forget the exact smell of your skin

And how it tastes?

And how it feels

And how much I want to bite it

For pleasure.

What if I don’t remember how your hands feel

when they explore

Every part of my body.

And the ecstasy I get from you.

What if I don’t recognise the sound of your voice

And how I love to listen to it

If I forget our conversations

And if we don’t have any any more.

How your lips kiss mine

As if they’ve always known each other

What if you forget me?

What would I do without you?

How would I live?

These things scare me more than death.

Purpose

I need God because through god I have a purpose and that gives me fulfilment. that’s not always been the case though and like many I have searched for happiness in many wrong places. I have tried to fill it with buying things, alcohol, other people, holidays and they made me happy for an amount of time but then when that wore off I would be back searching for the next, more exciting or more destructive thing to fill this void that I and many people have. Often these things are selfish and motivated by earning money or getting recognition as that is what we think will make us happy. A big house, new car, designer clothes may give us a certain status but they cannot fill that space that is meant to be filled.
A lot of people feel their purpose is the jobs they do whether paid or unpaid and many of these jobs really do help many people so I am not saying anything negative about that but at the moment whilst we are going through a pandemic and so many of us are staying at home there is a sense in many of being lost and I think that could be because they feel they have no purpose or they are feeling’ what is the point’ in all of this when they cannot do the things that they normally do to give them a sense of being. And I get that. I love to help out in places and without being able to do those things I felt I wasnt doing anything worthwhile.
If we aren’t doing what we know how to do then do our lives have a purpose? I think at this time its an opportunity for many people to really find fulfillment in what God wants us to do or to just spend time with Him. I need God because through God I have a purpose which gives me fulfillment. Many people look for fulfillment in so many places. The latest iphone, a holiday, having a youtube channel or even more destructive paths like alcoholism or trying to find love through many partners. These all give enjoyment, I have no doubt about that ,but only for a short amount of time and then we are looking for the next pleasure. God . doesn’t care about the laptop we have or the amount of followers on Instagram. What he cares about is the fact that we help others without fanfare or money but because we genuinely want to in our hearts. There is so much we can do at this time.
There could be people in our street that we don’t even know. Now is the time to write a note to say you are thinking of them and if you are able you could offer to pick them up some shopping when you next get yours. If you have some spare money then maybe you could buy some flowers and send them to the lady down the street who you know is on her own. Put some chocolates on the doorstep of the man you pass in the mornings but never had the time to stop and chat to. Write letters to people so they know you are thinking of them. Become a prayer warrior. It is the perfect opportunity to serve people in a quiet but meaningful way. I believe this will give you the fulfillment you are looking for. When we serve others we are becoming closer to God. Do not see this as a loss of identity but as gaining a new one.