Second Place

I made you the centre of my world

And I’m so annoyed at myself

I put everything else around you

And I was left waiting on the shelf.

I was never quite enough for you

Always in reserve

Because I was so stupid to adore you

I got exactly what I deserve.

I should wait for someone else

Who will treat me like a Queen

But I know no one else to me

Will mean as much as you mean.

Loving you…

Loving you is like

Jumping from a rocket

On its way to an unknown destination.

It’s thrilling, scary and maybe

Not so planned out.

It’s the first time I’ve done it

And the last time I will

This is my final journey of love

I wouldn’t survive if this ends

To take another shuttle.

I wonder if the parachute

Will come open or if

I’ll just fall to the ground.

Thrilling nonetheless on the way.

Scare me


Not very much scares me.

I get through life and I don’t worry much

I’ve had to switch my emotions off

When it concerns me.

But you came along and opened my heart

My soul. Open to bleed.

And now I have worries that keep me awake

And play like a movie that’s stuck What if I start to forget

The exact blue of your eyes?

And the sparkle in them when you laugh

How I love to look in them

And see if you’re happy or sad

How my heart jumps when I look into them

Across a room of people.

What if I forget your laugh?

And how happy I get when hearing it.

What if I forget how to make you laugh?

What if I never hear it again?

What if I’m never there to make you happy?

What if we don’t talk for a day

And then for two, three, four

Then a week and then we stop even Thinking about it.

What if I forget the exact smell of your skin

And how it tastes?

And how it feels

And how much I want to bite it

For pleasure.

What if I don’t remember how your hands feel

when they explore

Every part of my body.

And the ecstasy I get from you.

What if I don’t recognise the sound of your voice

And how I love to listen to it

If I forget our conversations

And if we don’t have any any more.

How your lips kiss mine

As if they’ve always known each other

What if you forget me?

What would I do without you?

How would I live?

These things scare me more than death.

Purpose

I need God because through god I have a purpose and that gives me fulfilment. that’s not always been the case though and like many I have searched for happiness in many wrong places. I have tried to fill it with buying things, alcohol, other people, holidays and they made me happy for an amount of time but then when that wore off I would be back searching for the next, more exciting or more destructive thing to fill this void that I and many people have. Often these things are selfish and motivated by earning money or getting recognition as that is what we think will make us happy. A big house, new car, designer clothes may give us a certain status but they cannot fill that space that is meant to be filled.
A lot of people feel their purpose is the jobs they do whether paid or unpaid and many of these jobs really do help many people so I am not saying anything negative about that but at the moment whilst we are going through a pandemic and so many of us are staying at home there is a sense in many of being lost and I think that could be because they feel they have no purpose or they are feeling’ what is the point’ in all of this when they cannot do the things that they normally do to give them a sense of being. And I get that. I love to help out in places and without being able to do those things I felt I wasnt doing anything worthwhile.
If we aren’t doing what we know how to do then do our lives have a purpose? I think at this time its an opportunity for many people to really find fulfillment in what God wants us to do or to just spend time with Him. I need God because through God I have a purpose which gives me fulfillment. Many people look for fulfillment in so many places. The latest iphone, a holiday, having a youtube channel or even more destructive paths like alcoholism or trying to find love through many partners. These all give enjoyment, I have no doubt about that ,but only for a short amount of time and then we are looking for the next pleasure. God . doesn’t care about the laptop we have or the amount of followers on Instagram. What he cares about is the fact that we help others without fanfare or money but because we genuinely want to in our hearts. There is so much we can do at this time.
There could be people in our street that we don’t even know. Now is the time to write a note to say you are thinking of them and if you are able you could offer to pick them up some shopping when you next get yours. If you have some spare money then maybe you could buy some flowers and send them to the lady down the street who you know is on her own. Put some chocolates on the doorstep of the man you pass in the mornings but never had the time to stop and chat to. Write letters to people so they know you are thinking of them. Become a prayer warrior. It is the perfect opportunity to serve people in a quiet but meaningful way. I believe this will give you the fulfillment you are looking for. When we serve others we are becoming closer to God. Do not see this as a loss of identity but as gaining a new one.

Lockdown separation

I only just spoke to you

But already checking my phone

I just want to talk to you

As you always feel like home.

I miss the times just sitting by you

In silence or just small talk

Some of my favourite times

Are just the moments we walk.

I wonder what you’re doing now

Do you sometimes think of me too?

Do you miss the things we do

Do you need me like I need you?

At night when I can’t sleep

I smile at things you’ve said

I want to talk about you daily

You’re all that fills my head.

Each day without seeing you

Sends my heart such deep pain

I wonder do you long for me

Will you ever touch me once again?

What if you forget me?

Things that scare me.
Not very much scares me.

I get through life and I don’t worry much I’ve had to switch my emotions off

When it concerns me.

But You came along and opened my heart

My soul.

Open to bleed.

And now I have worries that keep me awake And play like a movie that’s stuck

What if I start to forget

The exact blue of your eyes?

And the sparkle in them when you laugh

I love to look in them

And see if you’re happy or sad

How my heart jumps when I look into them

Across a room of people.

What if I forget your laugh?

And how happy I get hearing it.

How I smile.

What if I forget how to make you laugh?What if I never hear it again?

What if I’m never there to make you happy?What if we don’t talk for a day

And then for two, three, four

Then a week

and then we stop even

Thinking about it.

What if I forget the exact smell of your skin

And how it tastes?

And how it feels

On my skin

What if I don’t remember how your hands

Feel when they explore

Every part of my body.

And the ecstasy I get from you.

What if I don’t recognise the sound of your voice

And how I love to listen to it

If I forget our conversations

And if we don’t have any more.

How your lips kiss mine

As if they’ve always known each other

What if you forget me?

What would I do without you?

How would I live?

These things scare me more than death.

Long distance

I am no good at long distance.

Never have been in any way

I need to see someone in flesh

In order for any interest to stay.
Oh I’ve tried it before

And it starts off so good

The excitement is there

And all goes along as it should
Then little by little of them

My mind stops thinking

Then the chats get much less

And the relationships sinking.
But with you it’s so strange

It all seems so new

The loves getting stronger

I never stop thinking of you.
My love is deeper

Than it was at the start

I wonder if this means

You’re supposed to have my heart.

Not mine…

I cannot take you to parties

Or take you to meet my family

I can’t talk about you to anyone

or tell them I’m proud you are mine.

I can’t wake up with you each morning

Or lie down in your arms as you go to sleep

I’m alone in my bed because you’re not mine.

I love to hold your hand but when out

We have to keep distance as friends do

The smile I give you is friendly

In my head replays the passion we have.

Everyone knows that I’m single because in theory I am

I can’t belong to you and you’re not

Allowed to be mine.

We keep each other a secret

And the thoughts we have are just ours

I have no right to your time or emotions

I have no rights at all

You will always belong to another

And I know you will never really be mine.

Rather than eating

The models are beautiful.

Thin hips standing out like ivory mountains Thigh gap, neck bones in full view

Perfect specimens of womanhood.

But it’s not beautiful when I try to look the same.

it’s not womanly when periods stop and chest looks like a teenage boys.

When I’m choosing if 30 minutes exercise

Is worth eating the apple for.

But it’s juicy and I haven’t swallowed anything in nearly 3 days.

I’m so weak.

Be beautiful not fat!

I know the calories in every.bit.of.food. Nothing beautiful about bleeding knuckles

Scarred with the toilet dashes after each meal

Aching muscles as there’s just nothing to fuel them

The blood as the razor writes fat on my stomach

And when someone says I look thinner

I know they mean large, ugly, lazy.

There’s nothing beautiful about wanting to die

Rather than eating.

I can’t say I love you….

I can’t say I love you

as how I feel about you is far beyond

Anything written about love

The feelings I have for you

Are unlike anything ever experienced By anyone before.

I would say you make my heart sing

But as you have my heart you

Can make it do anything you want.

I am like a music box ballerina

Just leaping whenever you

Give me some attention.

I would give you the world

but You are already the world to me.

Every star has no comparison to What I see in your eyes each

Time you smile and look at me

In the way only you can.

I give you not only my body

To do as you please because

I Would do anything to give you just

A moment of pleasure, but my mind

Which has only ever belonged to just me.

My body has been used

but my Mind secretly guarded

and I’m giving you the key.

I am naked before you in every way.

A fine line between happiness and hurt

So be careful not to put me

On the side to get dust.

For now I have given all I am to you

I can’t return to just being me.