Now you know the real me
I don’t doubt you want it to end.
I’m not pretty enough
My scars are too deep
I’m not fun to be around
My heart only now weeps.
I’m not good enough
I’m too far gone
Just to feel wanted
Is what Id really for long.
My body’s too ugly
My mind too confused
You’re so gentle to me for
I’ve too much been abused.
I know you don’t want me
I don’t blame you at all
I’ve been hurt so many times
I’ve left up a wall.
I’m worthless and ruined
You’re too good for such as me
You can turn away and leave
Alone is all I deserve to be.
When you touch me…..
When you touch me I don’t flinch
Not with you.
I know you only have tender fingers
You don’t leave me black and blue.
Your words are soft to my heart
Like warm days and sunsets and
Everything soft. Not like the jagged glass
I’m used to of cruel insults and harshness
that cut deep and forever last.
You do everything to raise me up like
I’m worth something and sometimes…
sometimes I believe it …
Until the past that lowered me pushes in my
mind like stuck in grit
after a cut. My cuts you try and heal..
the ones deep inside that never really closed
and were all I’d feel…
But sometimes you slowly form scars
Over the wounds and you lift
off the bars
that cover my feelings. I’m not scared with you.
I’m not scared to be naked in body or mind.
I know the only things you do to me
Are coming from your heart that’s kind .
Wishes
Hold me in your arms
And tell me we belong
Be mine for one last time
Before our dream has gone.
Make my heart seem whole
And bring me peace again inside
Let our love be open
Before my feelings have to hide
Tell me I am yours
Even if only for this small while
Think of noone else
And give me one more time to smile.
Touch me hold me love me
Let us join once more together
If only for this moment let me
Feel you’re mine forever.
Losing You
The pain of the thought of losing you
Is so intense
I think the real pain will be too much.
It will be like sitting in a black hole with no way out and getting in there
was not a choice.
There will be no point to anything.
To waking, to breathing, to sleeping
Actually No.
Sleep will be welcome
with dreams of you still being there
Its the waking that I would hate.
When the reality will hit with a force that will take away every breath.
What will be the point in the sun when you have become the light of my life?
Why would the moon be there when theres only me to see it?
What would laughter be without you to make it?
What would be the point in me anymore when
My best piece isnt there?
I will wish I had listened more, hugged longer and made every minute a memory.
The hole will make me fall without an end,
how will I get out
when its always been you thats
shown me the way?
No words
We say so much without a word
Sitting next to each other
The silence is comforting when there’s no need to talk
I’ve never had this with another.
I look at you across the room
And you know what’s deep in my heart
You know all that I’m trying to say
When I can’t find the words to even start.
The feel of your hand makes me safe
Your eyes make me feel all is fine
I feel that life is finally great
Each time that your lips reach for mine
The last 7 months
A time to rely completely on God
As all the world became as one
Money or status really didn’t matter
As everyone saw a new way had begun.
We couldn’t see family or friends
Human contact became a huge no
Possessions meant not a thing anymore
When we realised people were what fed our soul.
Loneliness made life so bleak
For so many people on their own
But suddenly letters and messages were sent
As neighbours made sure others weren’t alone.
Schools were shut and shops closed
Parents juggled so much
We didn’t need the things of before
We just longed for human touch
So will we change our ways now
Or will we go back as before
Will we continue to rely on God
And love our neighbour evermore?
Second Place
I made you the centre of my world
And I’m so annoyed at myself
I put everything else around you
And I was left waiting on the shelf.
I was never quite enough for you
Always in reserve
Because I was so stupid to adore you
I got exactly what I deserve.
I should wait for someone else
Who will treat me like a Queen
But I know no one else to me
Will mean as much as you mean.
Loving you…
Loving you is like
Jumping from a rocket
On its way to an unknown destination.
It’s thrilling, scary and maybe
Not so planned out.
It’s the first time I’ve done it
And the last time I will
This is my final journey of love
I wouldn’t survive if this ends
To take another shuttle.
I wonder if the parachute
Will come open or if
I’ll just fall to the ground.
Thrilling nonetheless on the way.
Scare me
Not very much scares me.
I get through life and I don’t worry much
I’ve had to switch my emotions off
When it concerns me.
But you came along and opened my heart
My soul. Open to bleed.
And now I have worries that keep me awake
And play like a movie that’s stuck What if I start to forget
The exact blue of your eyes?
And the sparkle in them when you laugh
How I love to look in them
And see if you’re happy or sad
How my heart jumps when I look into them
Across a room of people.
What if I forget your laugh?
And how happy I get when hearing it.
What if I forget how to make you laugh?
What if I never hear it again?
What if I’m never there to make you happy?
What if we don’t talk for a day
And then for two, three, four
Then a week and then we stop even Thinking about it.
What if I forget the exact smell of your skin
And how it tastes?
And how it feels
And how much I want to bite it
For pleasure.
What if I don’t remember how your hands feel
when they explore
Every part of my body.
And the ecstasy I get from you.
What if I don’t recognise the sound of your voice
And how I love to listen to it
If I forget our conversations
And if we don’t have any any more.
How your lips kiss mine
As if they’ve always known each other
What if you forget me?
What would I do without you?
How would I live?
These things scare me more than death.
Purpose
I need God because through god I have a purpose and that gives me fulfilment. that’s not always been the case though and like many I have searched for happiness in many wrong places. I have tried to fill it with buying things, alcohol, other people, holidays and they made me happy for an amount of time but then when that wore off I would be back searching for the next, more exciting or more destructive thing to fill this void that I and many people have. Often these things are selfish and motivated by earning money or getting recognition as that is what we think will make us happy. A big house, new car, designer clothes may give us a certain status but they cannot fill that space that is meant to be filled.
A lot of people feel their purpose is the jobs they do whether paid or unpaid and many of these jobs really do help many people so I am not saying anything negative about that but at the moment whilst we are going through a pandemic and so many of us are staying at home there is a sense in many of being lost and I think that could be because they feel they have no purpose or they are feeling’ what is the point’ in all of this when they cannot do the things that they normally do to give them a sense of being. And I get that. I love to help out in places and without being able to do those things I felt I wasnt doing anything worthwhile.
If we aren’t doing what we know how to do then do our lives have a purpose? I think at this time its an opportunity for many people to really find fulfillment in what God wants us to do or to just spend time with Him. I need God because through God I have a purpose which gives me fulfillment. Many people look for fulfillment in so many places. The latest iphone, a holiday, having a youtube channel or even more destructive paths like alcoholism or trying to find love through many partners. These all give enjoyment, I have no doubt about that ,but only for a short amount of time and then we are looking for the next pleasure. God . doesn’t care about the laptop we have or the amount of followers on Instagram. What he cares about is the fact that we help others without fanfare or money but because we genuinely want to in our hearts. There is so much we can do at this time.
There could be people in our street that we don’t even know. Now is the time to write a note to say you are thinking of them and if you are able you could offer to pick them up some shopping when you next get yours. If you have some spare money then maybe you could buy some flowers and send them to the lady down the street who you know is on her own. Put some chocolates on the doorstep of the man you pass in the mornings but never had the time to stop and chat to. Write letters to people so they know you are thinking of them. Become a prayer warrior. It is the perfect opportunity to serve people in a quiet but meaningful way. I believe this will give you the fulfillment you are looking for. When we serve others we are becoming closer to God. Do not see this as a loss of identity but as gaining a new one.
