Starting again?

I have found it really hard since my youngest started school.

 

Of course when my other 3 lovelies started school it was hard as well. Lititia was my first at school and it had been a rollercoaster 4 years! If I spoke about it all and the stuff we went through in the younger years, Im not sure if people who know us now but didn’t then would even believe it. She saved my life and put me on a good path however.

Jessie was too tiny to go to school!! Now she is a tall 11 year old but then she was tiny and went to school in what I call a baby car seat. I would have been more worried if she wasn’t going to a specialised school as she had no communication amongst lots of other things.

 

Charlie and I had spent every day together, all day. And we didn’t know many people so we had great fun by ourselves. We had real conversations and Charlie hated pre school so we were happy with our days together and didn’t feel like we needed anyone whilst the girls were at school.

 

But with Jayden going, its the end of a huge chunk of my life! I have no children with me all day and nearly a year later Im still not getting used to it! I have stuff to fill my days so its not that Im bored (although im sure a lot of people think I just watch tv all day!! ) I hate it because I miss them and I don’t feel like me anymore!  I have also been thinking about a lot of major things.  I am not sure if we need to move so I can make friends and find a job I love. Don’t get me wrong there are many people here who are kind and friendly and I have made some great friendships but everyone has their own lives and now I don’t have a little one I see less people with children as I don’t have anyone to bring to play! I guess its just natural that those friendships will become less, I think we are sent some people at certain times in our lives at the times when we need them.

 

And there have been some good changes for me. I  started going to church and whilst I love the people and learning, the most important change has been in myself because of it. I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to think before I give my opinions and really think if what I am saying is helpful and productive. I have made friends with people who I never had the chance to get to know before mainly as their children are grown so we never really crossed paths that much. And I get to help out with reading and various at the school which I absolutely love and never had the chance to before.

 

But now I found that I don’t really know much about myself at all!!! I don’t know what kind of job I would have done if I hadn’t have had children. I have no idea really what Im good at or what interests me!!

 

I am not sure if I feel like this because I am getting close to 40 and my child bearing days are nearly over, whether its where we live, whether its because I didn’t have a career before having children and I don’t have any idea at all what job I would love to do although working at the school interests me but that could be because I can do it whenever it suits me 🙂  Or whether its because I try and be happy at home as it worries my children if I am anxious in any way so this is my place to be a drama queen! 🙂 Whatever it is though I feel very proud of the independence of my children and especially how far jayden has become less clingy this year, but I also feel quite redundant and quite lonely which is odd in itself as I actually really enjoy my own company.

 

I guess this post is pretty pointless haha but we all have permission to be dramatic sometimes! 🙂

 

 

 

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